kgbella: (Default)
 Do I or Don't I?

A beautiful soul offered me gas money to actually get to see me do some volnteer work with them today.  As that last pay check has come in, that isn't really a issue.  Like I told her, it was if i was needed at home first before going out today.  As there is not a lot of money coming in, with a maybe of a serverance check coming in two weeks from my old job, there is a need to be careful with expendentures right now.  That's a reality right now.

Another reality, is I am fighting a very dark mood that a few hours with supportive people would do me a world of good. So thats what I am weighting out right now. Checking emails to see if anything has come in in that regards.  Maybe being around supportive people might help as a sounding board to see where to go next. 

These are about the level of choices right now. Day to day its what will have effect, and what has the highest priority.  Intresting thoughts perking up to the surface about  this.  Going to leave it at this for right now.
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Well, its the first of the month.  Hopefully I will be able to remember to write more.  Its one of the goals this month.  Car trouble round out the end of the month, but a late birthday present from my mother fixed that. So my car lives again.  It was the capper to a very topsy/ turvy birthday month.  In fact its rather remarkable that I am in as good of spirits as I am.   Haven't not worked this long in a long long time.  So, there is that.  Its learning what it means to be quiet and still.

In all honesty, its a good thing that I am home right now.   There is a lot that I can do here, just need some sort of income to come in while that is being done.  I am realitively privilaged that I have a bit of savings to draw off off till I have to really get a job or get on unemployment.  For that I am really grateful.  The other honest thing is I am eligable to go back to tulalip if this doesn't work out.  Sitting with it these last few days however, my whole being is like I don't want to go back.

I don't want to go back.
Please don't make me go back, is the anwser within the fiber of my being.

What do you want to do?  I am asking myself that a lot lately. From the 26th I have applied to 15 jobs in that amount of time.  15 jobs. in less then two weeks. Hmm. I may be rather driven here to do something.   Been putting things away, taking up knitting again.  Knitting which I let go of after my beloveds mother died ( don't get excited yet, let me finish something first. then there will be excitment.) 

My body is still pulling off the layers, so we will see what happens.  Yes, its detoxing from what I had been working with, and letting go of what was.  There's a lot of inquires running around in my head that deserve anwsers, which in part I have been journaling offline.
kgbella: (Default)

Strength comes from knowing when even doing your best is not enough.
So I am a bit adrift from work at the moment.

I was lead to belive the job was something more  then what is was, and I really didn't have the skill set to compete.  So after a week left that job and started applying for other work right now.  I am listening to a chant of hecate at the moment while I am working on applying for work today.. Which seems approiate in this time of transistion. 

kgbella: (Default)
  1.  Getting ready to transition jobs is challenging when paperwork disappears. Spent most of the day yesterday fixing that problem.
  2.  Working on cleaning my room ( that a whole different post )
  3.  Repetitive dialog with coworkers is kinda old news.
  4.  Preparing for the hardest day of the year on Sunday at the current job.
  5.  Trying to get uniforms for the 17th
( I would love to source the artist on this picture.  Currently working on it, and will update with proper credit as soon as I can find it.)
This pretty much describes how I am feeling right now, crossroads will come on the first day of the new job.. Right now its all the weaving of things into place at the moment. 

In other-words thinking about the countdown has done me no good, so my focus has been on getting ready for the change that is almost like putting on a old hat.  I worked in the senior community under another aspect before, and that has brought up those thoughts and feelings.  Perhaps this is a part of the healing process for me, to let go of those misconceptions and grow into my own again.  The last bit has been about that grief feeling for what does all these years mean in one place.  Every time I get to a layer another layer keeps coming up.   Not sure how I am going to honor that time in my life yet.

kgbella: (Default)

How can you do this. It must be a hell of a oppertunity to throw 10 years away. It must be just about the money. So on and so forth.

In the last four days, as i took yesterday as dealing with my birthday day, the previous paragraph is what i have been dealing with. The opposite about being welcome to come back has happen as well.

Right now kinda of numb. Dealing with the process of transfering over has been tiring. I am in motion. There are little loving supportive things the beloved man has been helping with. Like figuring out the new commute..

So much of this is still so unreal to me. I know there are "things" that are suppose to be done. But this process of leave taking, its rather strange to me.
kgbella: (Default)
They have to learn to work with out you.

Today i am in that inbetween state doing a very long 2 weeks notice, and the phrase i wrote at the begining applies. My hearts breaking even with the stress that has happen. Think that it would be a utterly estatic thing that moving forward.

Nope, its just a wash of old memories right now, and the lessons learned coming back to the forefront of my mind.

The pattern you know isnt as scary as the one you don't.

Thats on my mind right now

Here we go.

May. 5th, 2017 11:35 am
kgbella: (Default)
So todays the day. 
Going to take the leap in about 20 mintues.
New job.

Yeah, I am scared.  After 10+years of living that lifestyle of not consistent hours, never knowing if what your doing is good enough.. I am terrified.  The promise of consistency is alluring.  So I am jumping in..   For that amount of stress to be relieved its worth taking that chance. 
kgbella: (Default)
So today in the united states the house voted on health care that would remove a part of the legislation that  prohibited penalties against folks with a pre- existing condition. I happen to be one of those people with quite a few pre-existing conditions.  Just wonderful when 217 people pretty much are saying your existing in worthless.  Yes, I said it.  Those that voted for that bill today exactly said this.  Maybe not in words but in actions.  To remind me of the goal ahead.  So damm angry about all of this.  Its still at the bitter tasting pill in my mouth that i can't understand why.  Why do we as a society hate the poor so much.  I just don't understand.  Its all for money. All of it.

So in other news.. I went out for lunch today at red robin to enjoy a free burger.  That was a fun treat. Long conversation about what this new job will possibly mean for me. 
kgbella: (Default)

Going to throw some links and hashtags at you for a mintue.
  3. #sixwords
  4. #gettingto5050
This is actually a issue that is very near and dear to my heart..  So, yesterday not withstanding I normally am not a picture person.  Which  seems to be changing as of late, but meh.   The sign says this  
It's fluid.  Celebrate who you ARE. 

Simple enough concept right? Apperantly, not.   How many wars, deaths and killings are the result of some person not wanting to accept that things aren't simply A or concept B. The first link I mentioned is one that describes the project that is happening..  Its intresting. I am stepping out again to being more of activist.

Who saw that coming?
kgbella: (Default)
Do I JUMP? At work and that is the question of the day. The biggest pro is its something new, a chance to streach and see if i can soar. The chance at consistent hours, for slightly more pay.

The reminders to do due dilgence, to weigh both options with care. No matter how much i want to get out of the lifestyle. Working nights, never seeing people i love. Always living in a heighten sense of fear when getting off the clock at the early hours of the day.

Some fun huh. I am still scared. Its new and different.
kgbella: (Default)

It was a good day, those were good healing tears that i shed, but it was a rough day.  There were some really powerful self realizations that hit me from the weekend this was taken from.  That  face painting was done by a new friend, that helped me process some of what was going on. It comes up today as I am learning how to work with dreamwidth and dealing with job hunting.

There's a thought after a decade in the job I currently have, with this being the start of year two in its second incarnation.  9 years at the spa, 1 year and 4 months as a prep cook. There have been really good lessons, but honestly can say it now.  I have had enough.  Do I regret the time I have spent here, no. Those were nessary lessons that were needed. As this chapter is wrapping up there may be time to write more about it, and how its effected me.

I need to speak about those lessons, even if its in a mad rambling to myself for a while.  Honestly things are a little scary when your preparing to do a leap again like I am. Finishing my associates was a  good start, but finding a place to land thats the trick.  Trying to stay strong and do it.

baby steps.
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Its the first of may, and i have a call out on a new job. My emotions are highly nervous. Is this a good call this potential new job? Worried about the medical a lot. The again we are in a time when medical.. Saying it outloud doesn't even make it better. A fools leap is what i am planning...

My hearts broken here. 11 YEARS means nothing. Loyalty is meaningless. Stagnent.. Something has to be done. Whatever the cost.
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So am I am enjoying not being at work right now, final  preparation for the spring festival is underway. This is going to be a intresting year, because their has been a lot going on in my life this year. Coming to terms with graduating from collage, trying to find a new job. Just listening to a lot going on.  So, on and so on. And yet...

I think the turning of this wheel this season is hitting especially hard for me. Went outside and felt the land stirring a little bit. Think it just hasn't hit me yet that its actually happening. Even though its starts tomorrow. Today has been a day of blessed silence.
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Welcome to April.
Welcome to a new journal.

Oh my gods I am trying this again? 


Status Update.

There will be a more proper introduction page probably after the 21st.  Until then, there will be more random posting. Such is the way of things in my life.

There's been lot going on in my life that is going to take some time to process. So while I am settling into this new site. Bear with me. There appears to be a bit of a learning curve with dreamwidth that has rather intimidated me in the past few attempts that I have tried it. Have wanted to keep a more consistent blog online.  Yet. Yes, welcome to emotional wishy washy issues.  Or as some folks say, are you sure that's not first world problems? Yeah, I thought it might be.

The fear of it has been something to progress, and with the great Livejournal purge.. Because I will be not allowing anything of mine to stay in that type of enviorment. It comes to the point I have to look at this idea, and decide what I want to do with it. I was toying with wordpress, but that didn't stay in a consistent base. Lots of okay if A is done, what will happen next.  With that on my mind.  Nothing to do with it but to do it.  So, I am taking the fools leap again and seeing if this might be a good fit..  We will see.

Also I get in a hurry and have issues with spelling If your reading this and find it, please comment and call me on it, so I can fix the post.

What's new.  Or potential planning for the future

Work needs to be done on my profile, to reflect my own intrest.  As well as posting  poetry is on the agenda. We will see where the Muse takes me.  Am considering some of my rants posted here more offen.  Since this is shinny and new it will be where ever it goes. 
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